I hope that I am not the only person that is more than a little ashamed at the thought of this topic. I mean, seriously… On a daily basis, do you know how many people search the phrase, “How To Be A Man”? Too damn many, that’s how many! If you want to know how to be a man, it’s easy… Grow a beard and go fight bears. If you’re incapable of growing a real beard and can only grow a shadow like that one friend during No Shave November, you can still be a man. Try heading out to the garage and taking stuff apart. When you put it back together and have pieces left over… Rest assured that you’ve made some drastic improvements and that the original design must have been flawed!
1. How to drink at the beach: Well, I guess there’s more than one way to skin a cat. I’ll tell you this much… Before I waste the time reverse engineering an aluminum can so that I can mask a beer at the beach, I’m going to drop a pint of Kentucky’s finest into a Double Big Gulp sized Coke Slurpee! But that’s just how I roll!
2. Bacon cakes: I don’t know whether the official term is bacon cakes, or bacon corn dogs. Personally, I don’t care what you call this battery bacon bliss. I’m just going to call them delicious!
3. Collar iron: If you have one of these in your house and no women live with you, I’ve got a special task for you. Turn that little iron thingy on high, stick your tongue between the plates and squeeze until you pass out. When you wake up, turn in your mancard and hang your head in shame.
4. Drilling dust: Here’s another one that screams that your woman has got you by the man pieces. If you have post-it’s in your house… Seriously, WTF? If you’re that concerned with getting a little dust on the rug, bust out your favorite feather duster and try not to put your apron on backwards, princess!
5. Hell of a headlight hack: With a little elbow grease and a little bit of toothpaste, you can get those weathered and weary looking headlights looking as clear as the day you bought that rad rig of yours. It’s a lot cheaper than the headlight cleaners at the part store. If you’re looking for an even easier way to make your dim lights shine, a little bug spray and and old tee shirt will make it happen!
6. Military tuck: That picture is about the worst thing in the world if you don’t already know what the military tuck is… If you need to tuck in your shirt and you don’t want to look like a complete slob, this method will help. You start by tucking in the front of your shirt. Now, if you’re an idiot sporting an Affliction shirt and a super tight fade, this is where you’ll stop. I’ve got news for you. That is the clothing equivalent of the ‘Joe Dirt’ mullet. Back to the military tuck… Fold the shirt along the seams at the side, and tuck in the rest of your shirt. This is a good way to make your clothes look like they fit without forking over the cash to have it tailored.
7. Rolling your sleeves: I don’t really know what this is all about either… If sleeves are in need of rolling, it’s going to save time to just cut them off. Unless you’ve got a runny nose or need to wipe the sweat off your brow, sleeves are pretty much worthless anyway!
8. Keeping the extension cord plugged in: If you’re too manly for your own good and have a habit of ripping the cords apart, tying them together may do the trick. If you’re more careful than that, and your power tools keep shutting off, you may have to deliver a black eye to your wise ass friends that think unplugging your tools is a good idea of a joke. (Who’s laughing now Randy??)
9. How to tie a tie: What the holy hell? How did this photo get in here? These tie tricks aren’t manly life hacks… If wearing a tie makes you manly, you probably deserve to be wearing the ‘Four in Hand’ pink tie to match your lace garder and your g-string!
10. The manliest flow chart in the history of ever: Does it move? Should it move? If it can’t be fixed with duct tape or WD-40, is it really worth fixing?
11. How to break down a door. The movies are a lie: Who are you kidding? With the hours you spend in front of that monitor, do you really think that you could lift your leg to doorknob height and exude enough pressure to break it down? Be careful to heed the warnings. Using your shoulder will probably result in bruises and possible dislocation. And, unless you’re Jackie Chan or a professional stuntman, a flying ninja kick will do nothing more than land you flat on your ass. (If you try either of these, please take video and submit at the end of the post. I will gladly applaud your efforts with boisterous laughter!)
12. Urinal backsplash: A lot of men have figured out this little trick by whipping out their mangled mess in too much of a hurry. You don’t always have the time to aim, but when the pressure builds and you want to avoid a piddly ricochet… This trick will come in handy!
13. Crispy taco shells: If you’re worried about making taco shells OR you own a muffin pan, your manhood is in question. All you really need to do is hit up the Del Taco on taco Tuesdays, or swing by the local Taco Bell any day of the week for a 5 Buck Box! I am a problem solver, and you’re welcome!
14. Nail holder: Don’t be mistaken by this picture… This nail holder isn’t to spare your precious little fingers from the inevitable impact with the hammer. This is for those times where you have to use one of those little sissy nails that just happen to be hidden by your giant sausage fingers!
15. Cut that onion like a man: Chomping on a massive wad of Big League Chew will probably do the trick of distracting your ol’ factories from the pungent smell of the onions, which will make your eyes water. Another option would be to get out of the kitchen and let your old lady perform her womanly duties. Besides, if moisture ever escapes your eyeholes, feel free to proudly exclaim that you’re merely watering your beard.
16. Steak, the staple of a real man’s dinner: This is something that should be known to every man from the moment that he’s pried away from his mother’s milk. If you know nothing of the Art of Barbecue because you’re one of those ‘Veggies,’ well… Can you really call yourself a man?
There’s a lot to say about someone trying to learn how to become a man. Things like, “Move out of your mom’s basement and cancel your Warcraft account, you pasty 40-year-old virgin.” Or, “It’s okay, buddy. You don’t need to know how to drive a stick shift or make moonshine, you’re only 6.” Moral of the story is this, manly life hacks may be a riot to poke fun at, but internet meme’s are probably not the best place to learn how to be a man. They call them life lessons because they take a lifetime to learn. Learn from your mistakes and, day by day, become a better man. Above all else, don’t fall for societal influences and the popularity ‘BS’, do what makes you happy and feed your soul. That’s the path of a real man.